I need to write a broader reflection of my thinking regarding my relationship with the world/society[/god?]. Feels like it.

God/god is basically indifferent. Life is also largely indifferent in the same way. Society is somewhat similarly indifferent, though also designed to be supportive, and to some extent simultaenously coercive, and is along with life and god, more or less, dragging us (and me) in one or more directions at any given time, specifically salient to my current context/existence (and this is true for a fairly large period of time beyond the moment as well): I feel wrongly coerced by society into accepting responsibilities beyond what are reasonable for me to be expected to accept. In some sense, fine, I guess, there's in a [(theoretical, at least) sense] a capacity for me to accept and (over an infinite timespan) 'fulfill' an arbitrary amount and array of responsibilities. At the same time, there are practical limits that require prioritization, and recently, this has resulted in what could reasonably be described as, I'll euphimize here, a mismatch between my thoughts and actions as desirable to society and my thoughts and actions as desirable to [life/god/?]. I feel once both deeply troubled (by life//my relationships with society/my child/[god/spirituality]/my job/my work//etc.) and deeply satisfied by the same (parenthetical).

I could relate this to many things, and do, and putting it in writing, which I thought would be helpful isn't feeling particularly helpful as I do it, but I'm going to keep trying for a bit more here I guess. I should probably be more raw with the emotions and just let the words flow like they are here, as opposed to that first paragraph which is slower, more methodical feeling, calmer.

I'll start with the good. I have much to be thankful for. I've got great relationships with almost everyone in my life. I've lived a great life, done a ton of fun and interesting things, been able to grow a lot as a person and give back some to others and to society. I hope to do more of those things too, and that should definitely be possible. I don't generally or often feeled compelled to complain.

I feel compelled complain right now though. Society sucks, or as my kid's shoe's say, "SOCITY SUCKS!" If the point of the universe/existence is roughly what I think it is (beyond tautology): to observe and harmonize with itself while evolving over time in a way that does that more and better along a path of states which are experienced harmoniously within and amongst themselves, where humans and human societies are good-ish examples of that, then I'm disapointed by how much room for improvement there appears to be, and I'm frustrated by the mismatch that's creating that I mentioned earlier. I feel like I ought to be doing more to help, and when I try to do more I feel like society resists what I'm trying to do and further I consistently experience society as a coercive and manipulative entity with which to attempt any meaningful relationship. For example, I love my child tons and tons and tons, infinitely, and at the same time our relationship is a big struggle -- a struggle that I do my best to learn from and enjoy the process, but still a struggle. And then there's a very frustrating interplay between my personal assignment of responsibilities to my child and those ascribed by society and further with the relationship between those responsibilities and my responsibilities in my relationship with society (and in whatever spiritual relationship I have / relationship with the universe/a god/God/uncertainty/nothingness/being/not being/becoming/etc.).

Anyway, I'm doing the best I can and I welcome help, and I ask for it too. Moving on..?.. idk if I feel better now or not, maybe a bit. I also ate in the middle of writing all this too though, so I'm pretty sure that contributed. I guess I'm done here for now. I wonder how clear this would be to a human reading it. Probably some, probably;-) could be improved!